Where I Belong
by BloodRaven55
Summary: Gabrielle works through her complicated feelings following Xena's death and return to life...with some help from the Warrior Princess herself of course. Sort of angsty one-shot with maybe just a little bit of subtext. Written from Gabrielle's POV. Disclaimer and author's notes are at the start of the story. Enjoy (hopefully)!


**Title:** Where I Belong

**Fandom:** Xena: Warrior Princess

**Genre:** Romance &amp; Hurt/Comfort

**Pairing(s):** Xena/Gabrielle

**Rating:** K+ for some fairly strong angst and a lot of reference to death as well as (of course...this _is_ Xena) some slight subtext ;)

**Word Count:** 1,276

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing (sadly :P) except the story and the words. The show and the characters belong to Rob Tapert/Renaissance Pictures/Universal Studios.

**Summary:** Gabrielle works through her complicated feelings following Xena's death and return to life...with some help from the Warrior Princess herself of course. Sort of angsty one-shot with maybe just a little bit of subtext. Written from Gabrielle's POV. Disclaimer and author's notes are at the start of the story. Enjoy (hopefully)!

**Author****'****s Notes:** This is my first attempt at Xena fanfic so I'm not sure how great it is. It's also the first time I've written a story in first person, as it felt more natural than third person in this particular case.

This is set right after Xena's death in "Destiny" and subsequent resurrection in "The Quest" but probably doesn't require an in-depth knowledge of those episodes to understand. It could probably just about be set after "A Friend in Need" instead if you want to see it as the happy ending everyone wanted but it might not fit quite as well.

I categorised this under romance instead of friendship because although there's nothing obvious here I am definitely a subtexter/maintexter. In my head Xena and Gabrielle are a couple and therefore anything I write about them is going to reflect that, whether physical acts of romance are part of the story or not.

Feedback and **constructive** criticism is very much welcome and also greatly appreciated as I'm always keen to know how I could improve :)

Thanks to Victorious56 for beta reading this for me. I really appreciate it!

* * *

The world rushes into focus around me as I find myself sitting bolt upright in the cave where we set up camp last night. I can feel my heart pounding and I realise that I'm shaking violently even though it's not at all cold. I close my eyes and take several deep breaths to try and overcome the feeling of emptiness and desperation left by the nightmare. I open my eyes again, but can't quite bring myself to look at the bedroll next to mine just in case her coming back wasn't real. A part of me still thinks it was just my imagination. That I only dreamt it. For a moment the part that believes she's still gone becomes all of me and I wipe away the tears before they have a chance to fall.

I'm frustrated and angry with myself. She's the one who just died and came back to life but she's dealing with it fine. So why aren't I? She doesn't wake up in a cold sweat every night. So why do I? Now I'm angry with her too and I don't know why. Actually, if I'm honest with myself, I do know. She gave up. She gave up, she died and she left me. She didn't care enough to try to live for me.

I almost wish I hadn't been able to see her in the dreamscape. It was nearly too painful being close to her and knowing in reality she was gone. I touch my lips momentarily as I remember what it felt like when she kissed me. For a second I genuinely believed that I had my life back. Then the real world came flooding in, drowning me, and when I opened my eyes there was just a coffin and the pleasant memory of her lips against mine.

"Reality bites." I don't realise I've spoken out loud until I hear her sit up.

"Gabrielle?" I shrug her off when she reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder, and instantly feel bad when I turn to meet her eyes and see nothing but concern. Sometimes I feel like I could get lost in her eyes forever, and it's almost as if I can see part of her soul staring back at me, but right now everything's just too much and I have to look away before I start crying again.

"What's wrong?" I want to say something but I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I won't be able to hold back the tide of emotion that's threatening to overwhelm me.

"Nothing." It sounds hollow and pathetic, even to my ears, but it's the best I can do without my voice breaking.

Hurt flashes across her face before she can stop it as she lets her hand fall away, and I feel even guiltier. She's tried so hard to open up to me, even though she's been hurt countless times by other people in the past, and now I'm pushing her away with no explanation. I know she hates it when I shut her out, but I don't even know how to begin describing the confusing tangle of thoughts that's been eating away at me.

"Gabrielle, you're shaking and you look like you've just been to Tartarus and back, so please don't tell me that nothing is wrong." I'm torn between finally letting everything out, even though I know it would be painful for both of us, and ignoring my feelings in the hope that they'll go away. I almost laugh at how futile and naïve that sounds and I resign myself to the fact that if I don't do something about the problem now then it will come back to bite me later.

"Gabrielle, look at me." I feel her hand cup my cheek and I reluctantly make eye contact again. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, so please, tell me what is wrong."

I don't quite know how but suddenly I'm standing up, and I'm furious. How dare she die and then act like it was nothing! How can she not see how much pain she caused me? The dead are meant to be able to hear when people think about them, but if that's true then obviously my thoughts weren't clear enough.

"What's wrong?" My voice rises as I repeat her question in disbelief and she visibly flinches. "What's wrong, Xena, is that you died. You didn't even fight to survive. Was the life we had really so bad that you didn't want to live anymore?" I can feel tears stinging my eyes again and this time I let them fall. "What's wrong is that one day I had everything and the next I had nothing because I lost the one thing in my life that was worth something, I lost you, and I had no idea how to go on with my life. You just left me and I almost wanted to..."

_Die._

I can't quite finish the sentence but when I look inside myself I realise that it's true. Part of me wanted to take the easy way out, to end it all and join her. Even though I don't think I could have gone through with it, the fact that I considered it terrifies me. From the dumbstruck look on her face I can tell the revelation of just how deep my grief went is as sudden to her as it is to me. I still can't believe she had to die for me to see how much I need her. Looking back now I know that I took her for granted. I hate myself for that and I've been redirecting my self-loathing onto her. By the gods, I'm an idiot. Honestly I'm amazed she hasn't sent me back to Potidaea for being such a self-absorbed ass.

"Gabrielle." Right now hearing her say my name is enough for me to break down and my knees give out as I collapse back onto my bedroll. She pulls me into her arms and I sob into her shoulder as I finally give in to all the pain I've been trying to keep inside. "I am so, so sorry." Even though I'm no longer angry with her when she apologises it feels like something inside me has been fixed that I didn't even know was broken. I think part of me just needed to hear her say out loud that she regrets leaving me.

I pull back and place a hand over her heart, letting the rhythmic beating convince me at last that she really is alive. That she really has come back to me. I look into her eyes and hope desperately that she can see the truth of what I'm about to say.

"I love you, Xena." I've never meant anything more in my life and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders just by saying those three little words that I should have said to her a long, long time ago.

A huge smile lights up her face when my words sink in and as she pulls me into another hug I decide that I want to make her smile as often as possible.

"I love you too, Gabrielle." I know there's more than a slight risk that eventually one of us will die and not be lucky enough to get another chance, but as I feel her pull me even closer and tighten her arms around me I can't help but feel safer and happier than ever before in my life, because she's here and I'm in her arms, where I belong.


End file.
